Saturday, September 30, 2006
12:16 AM
When we are broken, we learn.
Learn through the hard way,
But we learn the most precious lessons in life.
It has been a running and twirling circle this semester. I am tired. Thoughts not on the right track, mind is off track. Peace seems to awkardly quiet. Time seems to be wasted wrongly and past quickly. My motions is slower.
I am finally quitting cigarettes for good. Slowly and quickly. Silly Thai is helping me alot. Though he may not know, but what he did tonight for me was the bestest thing a friend could ever do for me. I have stopped buying my own packets. Din smoke for 8 hours straight. The urge was strong but I was persistent.
Cigarettes has always ben a sought only path when I am having too much thoughts on my mind. When I try to wake up on a cold morning. A morning routine when I read my devotional. Of course, cigarettes do remind me of you but cigarettes are becoming my past. Maybe you will be too. Memories are only to be once opened when one is prepared. I am going to leave all these behind. I have waited too long, passed each day too long, thought too long. Time has worn me off as a worthless and quiet person within. An empty soul I called it, too quiet its deafening.
1 more year to go. Next 2 semesters will be the toughest for me. This semester I seem to be screwing it up badly. Time is a factor, a cause and a effect. Yet, the outside world is too noisy for me to hear the music of my inner self. Things seem wrong in ways yet in ways, I am still normal.
I am backing off from many things in my life. I do not know why. This empty and long road seems too hard to breathe at times. However this road has been familiar to me, that I know every corner that I should turn. Yet it is still strangely weird for me.
Sacrificing for something that is not worth it is call stubborness and silliness. Wasting life away when others are envying your life is even worst. I am both. I seriously am. I dislike the feeling of people envying because I am not as great as they think I am. I am really not worth being jealous about. Because I am really a girl next door. Yet no one sees that and understands that. It pains more when these people are those around you.
On birthdays, those are the days that you know who are the ones who remembers and care. Though some may not remember the exact day it is still okay, because I still know deep down they really forget but are still true and real friends. Get my drift on the difference? I really do not know how to explain this situation though. haha..
3 years in Melbourne, taught me plenty of things. I am still growing still understanding. I use to hate this place because of its slow pace and early shop closings. Yet subconciously I began to fall in love with this place. I guess it was because of the things and people around me that taught me to find these love for these things. I grew up here in a way, I could not explain to you.
Melbourne moulded me to be the person I am today, which I would not be if i was to live in Singapore. Singapore could only offer me some friends and my family. Nothing more. I could not explain my dislike for Singapore. You could say I am being judgemental, it does not matter. And no, Singapore is not a boring place, I beg to differ that as a reason of my dislike. This dislike lies deeper within me and all those experiences.
Quiet laughters, own happiness, being a furniture at home has become my routine. I am silly to even enjoy the moment. Because all these times, it was a dream of worthless hope and faith. Maybe things will change. Yet my future is not waiting.
Tonight's dinner was one of the best. In a small German resturant with close friends and new friends. 5 people on a Friday night. What more could I ask for. It was the best dinner ever so far.
I miss some parts of me but I realise I have not been the real me for years. Layers and layers fatten my masks. Maybe only writing could show you the true me at times.
Take care all, will write soon.
This laptop has become my companion over these weeks. My most beautiful present ever.
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